Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
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Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds