*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
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also my go-to takeaway order
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.