Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…