The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’