I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
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If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down