Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
my sentiments exactly
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I am crying
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.