Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
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my name if I was in the mob
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.