Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
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Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
found my next D&D character name
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
pat pat
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
live long and prosper!
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.