The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
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School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot