Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
me irl
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I don’t think my car can fly
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same