Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
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Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
omg leave her alone
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
*sewing*
A thread
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.