I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die