Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
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I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what