Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
watergate? u mean a dam??
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
🖤✌🏽
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?