I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
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I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?