I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???