Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Fixed this for Shakespeare
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends