Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My dog after a walk in the woods.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now