*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
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The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Try and stop me.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”