[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.