math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Catercrombie & Fish
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.