I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
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A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Put a ring on it
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.