My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
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The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent