i love meeting boys on tinder
You Might Also Like
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I put the h in mysterious.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Are we there yet?…
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.