*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
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“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
felt that
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer