I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.