Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
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Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I can also cook 😂
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees