One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond