*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
why would tinder want me to say this
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
yes yes a thousand times yes!