I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
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Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.