I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.