*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
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[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth