Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
The first one, obviously
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.