I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
What if the weather talks about us?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME