Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.