Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
You Might Also Like
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Waiting for the Charmin
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
incredible
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha