Yup….perfect score!
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING