If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
The answer is funnier than the question