*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
You Might Also Like
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.