I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Home #decor warning.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.