*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
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Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea