A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
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WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.