building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Called it
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Me driving through Toronto
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.