Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
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Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Seek kebab; not attention
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Don’t make me out nice you.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”