There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer