Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
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Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?