I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
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Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.