Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10