Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
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So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Oh yeah that’s it
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Had an epiphany today.