Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
❤️❤️❤️
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”